Core Pattern: Avoider + Avoider

Core Patterns tend to manifest in predictable, cyclical behavior patterns. Below is the pattern common to relationships where both partners have the Avoider love style


Typical conversations:

  • How’s the weather?
  • What’s the stock market doing?
  • Did you feed the dog?
  • I got a promotion at work!


Connection is primarily based on tasks

  • Minimal affection (the dog gets all the affection)
  • Problems get minimized
  • Emotions are avoided
  • Both independent
  • You’re fine
  • Get over it an move on


Stress or Crisis Provoke Feelings

This system works until stress or crisis provoke feelings or distress in one partner. That partner’s feeling will break through resulting in their being needy, perhaps for the first time.


System Breaks Down

One partner may start to feel more emotions, creating a need for comfort and support; however, the partner (also an avoider) will resist change. This creates an emotional stalemate.



Conflict erupts over the crisis as both partners lack empathy and stress management skills.


Eventually, this cycle starts all over again or destroys the relationship.