In October of 2009, we spoke to 380 women about sexual issues and the evening was entitled “Unspoken.” Just last month, we had the privilege of speaking to 300 men and women at Mt. Hermon Christian Conference Center on How We Love Sexually. In both cases, we could hardly get away from the crowds because of the number of questions that people kept bringing to us.
I promised the Mt. Hermon crowd that I would dedicate all of February’s newsletters to answering more of the questions..
that we all have…
but for the most part…
they remain unspoken in our churches throughout America.
Questions to Ponder:
1. How do I recover from an affair? How do I / we prevent it from happening again?
2. My husband looks at porn on the internet. How can I get him to stop?
3. Can my kids see me naked?
4. What if my previous sexual experiences with others were better than they are today with my spouse?
5. What are the parameters of masturbation? Is it OK in marriage? What about the inclusion of sexual toys and fantasy? Isn’t this a slippery slide? Does this violate Romans 6:12-23?
6. We haven’t had sex in a year. I’m OK with it that way and my husband is angry and withdrawn.
7. My wife will say she wants to postpone sex until “later”, but then never follows up. So, my expectations are high and then I’m let down dramatically. What does this mean? (I am the husband.)
8. Can imprints from family of origin alter a child’s sexuality? What should parents do when a child “comes out” [as gay] at 22 years old?
9. You [Milan] said that you had lots of thoughts come to your mind but you had to learn to control it. Please explain how.
10. Why does a vacillator woman married to an avoider man desire sex more than the man?
11. What boundaries do you set regarding contact with the opposite sex such as driving alone or going out to lunch together?
Well… that should have gotten your attention.
For this week, let’s cover three of these, and since I’m writing, I’ll pick.
We haven’t had sex in a year. I’m OK with it that way and my husband is angry and withdrawn.
- Why does a vacillator woman married to an avoider man desire sex more than the man?
- What boundaries do you set regarding contact with the opposite sex such as driving alone or going out to lunch together?
I’ve picked these because they all potentially connect to one another.
If a woman does not want to have sex for a year, sometimes it can be attributed to the fact that she is a vacillator who has gone “all bad” in the relationship. Her love is cold and she’s turned off to the spouse. It is hard for vacillators to recover from this “turned off” level called “detaching” … but try they must. They need to go on a good hunt and learn to find the good within their husband focus on the positive.
Before the vacillator gets to this point however, it was most certainly preceded by a season of protest which led to despair and depression which then led to the detaching we just mentioned. The reason for the protest and despair, is that the vacillator is trying desperately to get closer to the distancing spouse. Unconsciously (and sometimes consciously) the vacillator who is also known as a “proximity seeker” uses sex as a means draw and hold others close to them. If the vacillator feels insecure and anxious as the avoider husband distances from her perceived “neediness”, this will throw her into an emotional tail spin which is tremendously unsettling. Sex can be a means of pulling him back closer. Yet, if there isn’t emotional and spiritual intimacy, the “closeness fix” is short lived.
Regarding being alone with the opposite sex, it occasionally happens in the business world where meetings are set in coffee shops or driven to in the same car. If both people are trustworthy, and the times spent together are not on a regular basis with the same person, then I have no problem with the practice. If on the other hand, it becomes regular or its always with the same person, then it is dangerous. This included texting, face book, twitter, my space and phone conversations. Most affairs start this way and vacillator men and women thrive on the trill and exhilaration that flirtation brings. It is their undoing.
The Bible says in II Timothy 2:22 that we are to “flee immorality”, and the only way we can do this is by having standards for ourselves that put a hedge of protection all around.
Next Week: I’ll pick again and surprise you.