The Secure Connector 19 – Comfort

Special Announcement: Relationship 180 wil lhold its annual Fall Celebration and Fundraiser on Saturday, November 3rd at Arroyo Trabuco Golf Club.  We would love to have you join us!  For more informaiton, and to RSVP,  please go to

Milan and Kay are in Dallas this weekend speaking at a New Life marriage weekend. Please pray for them and the success of the weekend!

Trait: “I can ask to be held or hugged when I need comfort.” 

Stressed out by the upcoming college admissions process, my daughter came up to me in the kitchen this week and said “I am super stressed out and anxious, can I have a hug!”  As I was giving her a hug I thought to myself, Wow! It is impressive and mature of her to be aware enough to know why she was feeling stressed and seek out relational comfort rather than isolating or turning to another means to get relief.

As an avoider, that grew up in a household where there was little comfort to be had this is still a trait that is hard for me.  My natural tendencies are to isolate and be by myself until the anxiety or stress goes away.  Other forms of relief that come more natural are to go exercise or take a nap.  It is also easy to get caught up in the frustration of why I feel stress or anxiety and camp there.  This will manifest itself in a countenance of anger and frustration which does not let the people around me know that I really want comfort.  Immaturely, I can also sit back and wait for those around me to “just know” that I am in distress and need comfort and then when they don’t see or give me what I need, it just adds to the distress.

As I grow in self-awareness and seek out relief and comfort in relationship, I need to risk enough to ask for what I need.  Avoiders are used to not needing or receiving comfort so, in the beginning, these hugs can even feel foreign.  Growing on the path to being a Secure Connector requires me to lean into being held or receiving a hug and, over time, it begins to feel more natural and stress relieving.  Jesus was very aware of his needs and in times of distress and exhaustion he sought out, and asked for, what he needed.  He asked those around him to sit with him or pray with him and often times he left the crowds in order to find some comfort and relief in the quiet.

How about you?  Are you aware of what you need in order to lessen stress and receive comfort?  Can you ask for a hug or be held to find relational relief?  Keep pressing on and asking for what you need!

Thanks for listening!

Mary Belanger

PS: Milan or Kay will be back next week to share about the next trait!