The Secure Connector 16 – Anger

The Secure Connector: #16 in a series. 

Trait: I know how to use my anger to identify more vulnerable feelings underneath the anger and communicate the more vulnerable feelings.

            When angry people explode, they only have one answer as to why they got angry…   “Because you made me mad!”  Wow, now that’s an answer that doesn’t tell me diddely squat. Captain Obvious here, there has to be more to it than ”…you made me mad”… dude!

Turns out, there is more to it… much more.  There are several emotional “cousins” that are closely related to anger.   Just before a person becomes angry, these emotional cousins cause the person to feel something deep inside their soul… something unbearable … something intolerable.  They are such bad feelings and we suppress them so quickly that most of the time we are not even aware they are animating us.

What are they?   The most common ones are:

  • Fear
  • Hurt
  • Fear
  • Embarrassment
  • Humiliation
  • Shame

Most of the time, those of us who struggle with angry outbursts (Vacillators and Controllers) have been hurt somehow in the past… chronically, acutely or traumatically.   Before the angry person begins their healing journey, they just blow up.   The person who is growing toward becoming a secure connector must be willing to slow the anger reaction down and begin to look at the past hurts which are alive and well… lying just beneath the surface.

While anger eclipses the hurts from the past, it is destructive to everyone in the blast zone… including the angry one.  In contrast, getting in touch with the vulnerable emotional cousins of anger, and grieving the past hurts, while frightening at first will yield the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

This week’s announcements:

  1. If you know anyone who needs a job, I highly recommend Get Noticed And Get Hired by Steve Matter.  You can order his book at and you can also find further information at his web site:
  2. Call for silent auction items:   Our non-profit organization is having our annual fundraiser on November 3rd to raise funds to help pastors and Christian leaders receive marital counseling who would otherwise be unable to pay for counseling.  Items desired, golf packages, weekend retreats, spa packages, vacation time shares and other items that would be attractive to a guest at the banquet. If you would like to know more about our 501 (C ) 3 corporation, you can visit  Thanks for considering my request.
  3. If you would like to sponsor and host a table at the event for $900.00 or become a corporate or individual sponsor @ $1,000 – $5,000, please let me know.


Thanks for listening.

Love you,