The Secure Connector 14 – Rupture & Repair

Trait:  I have experienced the connection and closeness that results when a conflict is resolved.

I was at a wedding recently when a mom approached me with her 4 year old in tow. “Jenni, this is Mr. Milan and he is the one who taught daddy and me about rupture and repair.” Jenni’s mouth fell open as she looked up at me and smiled.  As she began to speak, amidst giggles and wide eyes, her chewing gum fell out of her mouth.  She caught it just before it hit the ground and as she stuck it back into her mouth, she said, “I just had a rupture and repair with my gum.  It fell out and put it back in!”

Conflicts and ruptures in relationships are inevitable.  What most people don’t do well however, is repair the ruptures.   With unresolved conflicts, resentment accumulates like debits in a checking account.   Without positive deposits, the account runs dry.  This pattern, carried over time causes a slow relational erosion and bonding decreases until two people eventually become distrusting strangers.

None of the broken attachment styles are able to successfully do repairs after ruptures:

  • Avoiders avoid all negative feelings and emotions in themselves and others and when pressed, they become angry and push people away.
  • Pleasers are so happy to see everyone smiling again, they won’t risk bring up the problem.
  • Vacillators will vent, explode and go all bad.   They will warm back up in a few days after they have sufficiently punished everyone and obsessed over their hurts.   Friends and family are so happy there is a thaw, they wouldn’t even think about bringing up the things that created the rupture.
  • Controllers explode and there is no hope of repair.  They are just happy with compliance from those around them.
  • Victims are just happy the storm is over.

Evidently, observing Jenni’s positive reaction toward me, repair is a good thing.  She looked happy.  Secure connection and closeness is not achieved by finding a soul mate with whom we never have conflict.  Rather, security is achieved when we do the hard work of the “comfort circle” (How We Love, 2006).  Not only can a mom and dad learn it, they become better parents in the process and provide day to day resolution for their children.  Honest confrontation about the ruptures when accompanied by successful resolution creates an ever growing connection and closeness which makes us all giggle, smile and maybe even loose our chewing gum.


  1. If you know anyone who needs a job, I highly recommend Get Noticed And Get Hired by Steve Matter.  You can order his book at and you can also find further information at his web site:
  2. Call for silent auction items:   Our non-profit organization is having our annual fundraiser on November 3rd to raise funds to help pastors and Christian leaders receive marital counseling who would otherwise be unable to pay for counseling.  Items desired, golf packages, weekend retreats, spa packages, vacation time shares and other items that would be attractive to a guest at the banquet. If you would like to know more about our 501 (C ) 3 corporation, you can visit  Thanks for considering my request.
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Thanks for listening.

Love you,