Teaching Your Kids About Sex – Part 3
The next four weeks are titled, Teaching Your Kids About Sex.
It is a big topic and there is certainly a lot to be say, but I (Kay) will focus on some of the areas we see parents struggling.
Conversations about pornography need to get a lot more sophisticated as boys enter puberty and are dealing with more erections, wet dreams, masturbation etc. I asked every adolescent boy I ever saw in my office if it was OK with them if I told them what I know about the big picture of sexual addiction. Not one young man ever refused me.
I told them the following. Men are visually stimulated. That is why pornography on the internet is so tempting. Just a few curious looks and you are unleashing a lot of powerful feelings. That’s how it starts for all sex addicts. Every addict I ever worked with started their addiction in adolescence.
It goes like this. Just a few curious looks. It is hard not to want to see a little more…just what else is out there. Then, before long, if not from the beginning, masturbation while looking becomes the norm. Over time, more frequent trips to the computer. A couple times a week turns into a couple times a day. So you get use to easy quick orgasm with sexual feelings that are stimulated by a picture….a fantasy woman….not a real woman. You get use to several (or more than several) orgasms a day. Now this is your sexual appetite. The more you feed it the hungrier it gets.
What was once stimulating does not work quite as well, so you step it up a notch. Something raunchier is needed to get the same rush. Then after years of this, you get married. Over time, your wife has a hard time keeping up with your sexual appetite. You have trouble being sexually intimate with a real woman. She needs you to hold off on your orgasm so she can match you level of arousal. You are too use to quick release. It’s hard for you to slow down.
Your wife does not match the pictures. She gets her period. Has a baby. The computer is easy, more satisfying. Less work. Or you complain constantly that your wife should be more, do more….really you want her to be your personal porno queen. You want her to have the same appetite you do. It makes good sex in marriage just about impossible. By this point, the guys get the big picture.
This leads into a good talk about masturbation. Again this is my opinion. I don’t think it is realistic to tell boys never to masturbate. Here is what we told our boys. Sometimes sexual tension will build up. Sometimes it will be released in a wet dream. At times you will want to masturbate. Here are some guidelines. Tell your young men: “Your sexual appetite is something you will need to learn to control. Either it will control you, or you will control it. A great sex life in marriage someday will require you to have sexual control. Control is learned by restraint. Pigging out every time you are hungry and masturbating every time you have a sexual feeling shows no restraint. Keep the issues of self- control in mind as you learn to manage your sexuality.
Be aware of not using masturbation to change your mood. If you are depressed, sad, frustrated, don’t fix it with sex. These are non sexual needs and you need to learn to let other people in your life be a part of helping you with feelings. It is a bad habit to fix bad feelings with any kind of addictive behavior…sex, alcohol, drugs, etc.
Girls are more prone to “internet relationships” than pornography, although sexual addictions can enslave women as well. We told our daughters the information above and educated them about sexual addiction and how it begins so they would be aware of the problems pornography can cause in the lives of young men.
Thanks & Love,
Milan and Kay
Next week: The rampant rise of oral sex among teens and good reasons for waiting until marriage.