Rupture and Repair – Controllers and Victims


Let’s look at each love style and where they might struggle with causing rupture and initiating repair:


Both controllers and victims come from chaotic homes and deserve thousands of apologies for the things they endured as kids.

Most have no memories or apologies, ever.

Life was one big rupture after another with no repair.

In these homes fighting gets ugly and scary and no one is asking how the kids are faring.

Controllers feel they are always right and see apologizing as weak and unnecessary.

Controllers often don’t see how their high need for control serves the purpose of keeping painful childhood feelings out of awareness.

Anger is the primary feeling the controller displays as it keeps vulnerable feelings out of awareness.

The controller’s harshness and anger and need to be right often cause painful ruptures in the hearts of family members.

Being wrong, accepting criticism or owning mistakes takes them back to painful childhood feelings of shame, humiliation and embarrassment.

Sadly, this quest to stay away from childhood feelings makes confession and apologizing difficult for the controller.

Growth will mean finding compassion for those wounds.

When the controller learns to receive tenderness for the childhood pain they endured, they become more tender.

This gives the controller a platform to feel compassion for how they hurt others and opens the way for the controller to learn to apologize.

Since they have no experience of apologies and repair they often don’t realize how these actions build intimacy, safety and trust.


Victims are like pleasers on steroids.

They often take all the blame just to keep peace.

Remember, victims learned to tolerate the intolerable as kids so extreme situations and abuse seem normal.

Victims often endure extreme mistreatment and don’t feel they have the power to object or find safely.

In fact, if one has never experienced safety it’s hard to know what’s missing.

Just like controllers victims need compassion and tenderness for the child they once were.

Repair is something foreign to the victims.

While the offender may offer apologies and promises when they fear the victim is gaining strength or might leave, these promises are never kept.

The abuse happens again and again.

Victims survived childhood by enduring and that pattern continues until they decide they are worth more and deserve better treatment.

Thanks for listening,

Love and Blessings,

Milan & Kay