Ownership: Humble accurate honesty.
“How could you?
“I thought you were happy!
“I asked you if you were seeing someone else, you kept saying no.
“Who pursued who?
“Why didn’t you resist?
“But our love making seemed so intense.
“How could you do this to me?
“How could I have been so duped?
These are just a few of the things I hear in my office as the shell shocked person tries to recover from their spouse’s affair. The ultimate question of “why?” can plague people for a lifetime. Ownership by the offending party can help the victimized spouse recover more fully with greater levels of closure. They desperately want answers.
Here are some of the most common reasons why people have affairs.
Perhaps you can own one of these reasons and confess it to your spouse. It may be just the thing that will help them begin navigating their way out of the jungle of adultery.
Often when the relationship at home is dry or intimacy has lost intensity, some people begin to look outward and compare a person whom they idealize with the inattentive spouse at home. When a person idealizes another, they become intoxicated with an individual whom they perceive will be able to perfectly meet their needs.
When this occurs, that person can do no wrong… for they are seen through the lens of perfection. No red flags are raised, no faults are seen, imperfections are never noticed.
When a person is elevated to this level, it’s hard not to fall head over heals for them. The problem? It’s a fantasy… no one is perfect. But alas, this fact is ignored, the chemistry escalates rapidly and sexual involvement soon follows.
Ray Orbison sang a song, Only the Lonely. Many of us are chronically lonely, and we go to work, the gym, Starbucks, or Face Book and we find ourselves striking up a conversation with someone who seems interested. We enjoy the visit, find out the person’s schedule, and then say, “I’ve enjoyed our talk, perhaps we’ll meet again.” Over time ideas, thoughts, feelings and opinions are shared and the bonding process starts to blossom. Seemingly overnight, this will progress from casual conversations to a simple touch, a hug, a kiss and beyond.
As much as most women would like to not believe it, lust is one of the most powerful drives within all males. They are visually stimulated sexually and if they’ve never tried to learn how to manage this drive, they will succumb to the power of the female body. Solomon’s hundreds of wives and concubines demonstrates how once the door is opened, the male’s sexual appetites can become insatiable.
If you want to give your spouse some clarity and closure, why not start with the truth? Own the cause, and confess this to yourself, the Lord and your spouse. It may be just what your spouse needs to begin the healing journey. As a matter of fact, it will define the starting point for your healing journey as well.
Thanks for listening.
Love and Blessings,
Milan & Kay