The Secure Connector 1

Rate Yourself as Secure Connector: 

On our website under Secure Connector we have a link to a list of traits a secure connector would possess.  For any attachment injury these are your goals.  You can rate yourself to see how proficient you are at the abilities a secure connector possesses.  We can all find some area to improve.  For the weeks ahead we will look at each of these traits and explain why this is an important relationship skill.  If you really want to be courageous ask your spouse, teenager or friend to rate you.

As we work toward a secure attachment we will be able to rate ourselves higher (more strongly agree) in the following areas.  Here are the first three traits.

Rate 1-5: #1 = No/rarely.  #5 = Most often/always.

  • I experience relationships as a source of relief when I am stressed.
  • I seek help, comfort, support or wisdom from a person rather than a thing.  (Addiction).
  • I can ask for help when I am unsure of myself.

If we came from a great home, with a lot of emotional connection and bonding, we will be able to most always accomplish the skills above.  Many memories of comfort will have taught us people are a source of help and relief and it is normal to ask for help.  Most of us were not so fortunate and have some skill building to do in these areas.  What do you do when you are stressed?  What is your way of relieving stress?   Avoiders detach.  Pleasers distract themselves with caretaking someone else.  Vacillators get mad at who ever disappointed them and caused the stress.  Controllers get bossy and demanding.  Victims retreat into their own world.  Each of these harmful love styles has difficulty managing stress and asking for comfort and help. Here are some suggestions for growth.

  • Pay attention to what stresses you and what behaviors and feelings are      associated with the stress. Use the soul words list. Tell someone else      about the feelings.  Example:  I usually detach when I am stressed and      I realize I am feeling anxious and overwhelmed.
  • Make a statement filling in the blanks… I feel________________.I need___________________.  Men…try and go beyond I feel horny and I need sex!   Example?  I feel anxious about a problem at work and I need a hug and some prayer.  Keep it short and don’t use a lot of words.  Make your request specific and doable for someone else.  Not:  I am sad and I need you to never be late for dinner again.  Rather:  I am sad you are late for dinner.  I need a hug and reassurance that I am important and you appreciate my efforts to make a nice dinner.

I would love to hear your comments about your results of trying this out.  Give me some feedback on where you got stuck!  Blessings, Kay

Read: Rate Yourself as Secure Connector (Part 2)


5 Responses to “The Secure Connector 1”

Thank for doing this series on the details of growing into being a secure connector! As I got familiar with my pleaser ways, I was frankly discouraged. So many negative messages. But now I have specific, simple areas to work on which feels so positive. I also like the rating system as a means to evaluate growth. I am focusing on the areas I am a 2 or 3 and can already see progress. I love progress and not being stuck.
Thanks so much for taking the time to continue the teaching I received at the seminar. Your writing comes across so personal and encouraging. I am feeling the changes in myself and my relationships with my husband and daughter already! Bless you!

Your model of the vacillator / avoider couple cycle was so accurate to my situation. It scares me so much to be contributing to this unhealthy pattern.
I pray that my family and I can become Loving Secure Connectors.
Thank You for Hope!
Blessings in Jesus Love,

You also have too look back and have compassion for why the attachment style is there. Lots of growth goals in the workbook. I’m guess your grief is blocked and anger feels less vulnerable? Just an educated guess.

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