Perfected in Love: The Victim

We’ve looked at the secure connector who emotionally and relationally speaking most resembles Jesus Christ as He loved and related to those around Him.   This week we will continue our observation of insecure connectors and lovers who unlike Christ, live with high levels of fear, shame and reactivity. Remember our theme verse: “there is no fear in love; but perfect love cast out fear …and the one who fears is not perfected in love (I John 4:18).” Now, let’s look at the Victim.


The Chaotic Victim:

  • Background:
    • Fright without solutions.
    • Childhood pain, hurt, abuse, neglect, domination.
    • Poor empathy or comfort from caregivers.
    • High levels of shame and humiliation.
  • Characteristics:
    • Take a passive position… the permanent “under” position.
    • Afraid of anger as well as periods of calm.
    • Compliant to help mitigate fear imposed by others.
    • Tolerate the intolerable.
  • Fear that blocks love from being perfected?
    • Overly compliant.
    • Yield and say yes to intolerable behavior.
    • Freeze when frightened.
    • Avoid reality by denial, dissociation, substance abuse.
  • Growth goals to allow God’s love to be perfected in you:
    • Face your hurtful past and acknowledge how powerfully it shaped you.
    • Admit how bad your current reality really is.
    • Learn to develop a voice.
    • Develop opinions of your own.
    • Learn assertiveness and capacity to say no.
    • Boundaries to protect yourself.
    • Care for self.
    • Mentors to help guide and protect you.
    • Seek refuge and safety for yourself and children.


These growth goals cannot be accomplished in isolation but need to be learned in relationship with a group of people who will help you learn to be stronger as a person.   You were injured in relationship and you will only heal in relationship with others who are safe and honest.   A recovery, co-dependency, 12 step or growth group within a church, community or therapy office can provide a wonderful atmosphere to help you accomplish the above listed growth goals.


Thanks for listening.


Milan & Kay


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  • We  are going to be on Focus On The Family again Friday March 9, 2012.  This time we will be discussing our book:  How We Love Our Kids.  the show is called: “Fostering a Healthy Attachment Style in Your Child.” Following is the link to the broadcast.