Perfected in Love: The Avoider

Last week we looked at the secure connector who emotionally and relationally speaking most resembles Jesus Christ as he loved and related to those around Him.

This week we begin our observation of insecure connectors and lovers who unlike Christ, live with high levels of fear.  Let’s look first at the Avoider.

The Avoider:

  • Background:
    • Performance driven.
    • Little empathy… no memories of comfort.
    • Emotions and feelings discouraged.
    • Emotional wants and needs killed off.
  • Characteristics:
    • Emotionally detached and unavailable.
    • Distance from feelings of self and others
    • Minimizing and dismissive of emotions and neediness.
    • Quick to fix whatever you are telling them.
    • High task and mastery.
  • Fear that blocks love from being perfected?
    • Emotions, feelings and neediness within self and others.
    • Afraid of failure … not performing well … feeling inadequate… so performance covers fear.
    • Withdraw or engross into activity / work / hobby until emotions go away and then they come back closer when they feel it is safe.

Question:  Does the above description resemble the secure person of Jesus Christ?

Obviously not!  Yet we’re told that our lives are to be morphing into His image, and yet many people stay emotionally avoidant their entire lives… and somehow believe they resemble Christ because they are doctrinally accurate and conform to acceptable behaviors.

Yet, behind closed doors with the fear of negative emotions prevailing, their spouses and children languish in an emotionally parched desert of relational dryness.

Again I ask, is this a home that would resemble Jesus home?

  • If a person wanted to grow, what would they need to do to conquer fear and unlock God’s love to be brought to completion?
    • Learn to feel, for until you do, you will never be able to ask for what you need.    You can only learn to do this in relationship.
    • Learn to listen… the art of inquiry… learning to see from another’s perspective.
    • Learn to empathize… feel another’s pain which is an undeveloped and uncultivated emotional state.
    • Remember that in the story of Good Samaritan, an avoider may easily have been dismissive and walked around him… or provide a quick fix.  The Good Samaritan had a deep gut level compassion (Gk: Splanchnon) which resulted in getting his hands soiled by the pain of another.

Thanks for listening.

Milan & Kay

Next Week:  The fear that binds the Pleaser and steps they need to take to become more perfected in love.