Holding Time: The Key to Better Sex

Holding Time:  The Key to Better Sex

I was doing a weekend intensive for couples and during our last group session I wanted to demonstrate a holding time.

One of the couples volunteered to let me work with them and four other couples watched.

(If you are wondering what holding looks like, look on page 272 &273 of our book “How We Love”.)

I had the man hold the woman and got her all positioned and snuggly in his arms and made sure they were comfortable.

I turned around to address the couples behind me and they all had a wide eyed expression of apprehension.

One man stared at the floor and couldn’t make eye contact at all.

I laughed aloud and teased them.

Hey, you are all married and you all have sex, right?

But I can tell by your expressions, you all feel like you are watching something as intimate as sex, don’t you?

The mood lightened and they admitted that watching a holding felt like intruding on an intimate moment.

In fact, I would venture to say, holding time may be more intimate than sex.


Because two people can have sex and be off in their heads and not very present.

If your spouse is holding you and you are making eye contact and talking about feelings this requires both people to be very present and being held definitely requires a willingness to be vulnerable.

Lots of people have sex and don’t talk much or make a great deal of eye contact, especially if they have been married a while.

Over all holding time deepens the level of safety and trust in a couples’ relationship.

Think about it.  Safely and trust are important to uninhibited, great sex.

The intimacy experienced in holding time spills over into the sexual relationship.

When your spouse has seen deep into your soul sex is more intimate.


Will ya?

Won’t ya?

If I coax you don’t you wanna?

Oh C’mon you said you would….

Try some holding time.

Blessings, Kay