How do avoiders rate as givers and receivers?
When it comes to tasks, they are often great givers and like to show their love or appreciation by doing a job.
Their love language is often “acts of service. ”
They like others to do something for them since that does not involve messy emotions.
Can you imagine an avoider picking “quality time” or “words of affirmation” or “touch” as their love language? (Ok, maybe if touch means sex that might be a choice for some avoider males but “sex” isn’t on the list of love languages.
“Acts of service” are in the Avoiders comfort range.
No messy emotions or long talks.
Avoiders aren’t good givers when it comes to emotional connection because feelings are a foreign language to them.
Emotions in others raise a lot of anxiety and feelings of inadequacy in avoiders, which is why they distance.
In God’s design, we receive before we give.
In fact it’s how we learn to be great givers.
Babies, toddlers and little children are designed to need a lot of nurturing, connection, touch and care. You can watch a little girl play with her dolls and tell a lot about what kind of care she has received. She will give to her dolls exactly what has been given to her. Boys learn to give in the same way; by receiving tender care.
Ideally, we need to have a safe place as children to be dependent before we learn to be independent or interdependent. Avoiders were pushed into independence too early and their needs and emotions were not responded to in a way that taught them to be comfortable in the receiving role.
I (Kay) am an avoider and I leaned to be a much better giver after I learned to receive.
Learning to receive was very uncomfortable.
Learning to feel and describe emotions was way out of my comfort zone.
It took time.
It was embarrassing when I realized in my late 30’s how lacking I was in these skills.
Learning to feel, identify needs and receive is central to the avoider’s growth.
It’s hard to know what you missed if you never got it.
Avoiders, take it from me…it’s worth every bit of discomfort.
Get back to that workbook and get growing!
Milan & Kay
Next Week: Pleasers as Givers and Receivers