Abuse and Submission

Abuse and Submission
… What’s Biblical and what’s intolerable?
Sixth of four part series. (Answer to Email Sent About Abuse)

One of the most common questions we receive by letter, e-mail and from callers on New Life Radio has to do with the tolerance of verbal and physical abuse within a home as well as with hostile people who persecute Christians.

Should we take a path of passivity or should we resist?

How do we reconcile victimization and abuse with submission within marriage?

What exactly does abuse mean?

Case Study #3:

This question comes from a reader of last week’s newsletter.

He writes,

“Milan and Kay,

Have you dealt with how to deal with each style…vacillator???   etc…
I would love to hear about how to respond to false allegations of abuse..after marriage to a person with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) (she filed …. the story is so twisted it is  like a sci-fic. movie) …smear campaigns etc.. …or is this possible? 

 I believe that many men are experiencing this…even with  people who have known me for 25+ years and a good lawyer  and a solid Biblically Christian family I am still suffering from the affects a couple of years later.

Thank you for your encouraging newsletter,



Dear “M”,

Wow, what a painful story.

Unfortunately, this scenario is much more common that we would all like to imagine.

The plight of battered men is astonishing.

The statistics show that one out of every ten cases of physical abuse and battery are against men.

In one case, the husband who was a “Victim” attachment style was repeatedly beaten by his wife with blackened eyes and kicks to the groin.

He was threatened by her and warned that if he called the police, she would plant porn material around the house and on the computer and she would tell the authorities that he had tried to molest one of their daughters.

To the police, it would appear as though she were just defending her daughter.

The wife it turns out was an extreme Vacillator.

She was in fact a person with BPD just as your wife.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a condition where high levels of reactivity and rage are exhibited toward anyone who among other things, stops paying attention to them, ignores them or disagrees with them.

Because of their abandonment injuries and histories of abuse and neglect, any “separation” away from them by others causes them to feels like betrayal and the experience immense levels of internal hurt, which then leads to rage and anger.

In their opinion, the one who “separates” from them by disagreeing with them about any thing will cause them to feel as though they are being “abused”.

When a person is enraged to such high levels, the pain from decades of hurt, floods the brain and all logic is lost.

They actually believe their own reactive and distorted thoughts.

Thus, “M” you became the lightening rod for a whole life of pain.

This distortion of reality is very real to them and so they become intent on justice and the “offender” will have to pay for his or her mistakes.

Punishment and retaliation become their consuming passion.

So what can a person such as yourself do to defend yourself against such extreme levels of mental unhealthiness?

As soon as it begins, a you need to begin creating a “paper trail” of documentation.

  • Call 911 every time physical violence occurs and get out of the house.
  • Go to the hospital and have your wounds attended to, with pictures taken.  The hospital will bring in social workers and call child protective services to extract the children from the house until stabilization can occur.
  • Weekly attend individual and marital therapy whether or not your BPD, Vacillator or Controller spouse will go with you.  Report to them weekly as to any violence in the home.   If necessary , their records will provide evidence to the court regarding this history of violence and they can be used to establish a pattern.
  • If untrue and outlandish threats are used, generally, the truth will find its way to the surface.  Psychologists are trained to interview children and adolescents and find the truth within their testimony.
  • Someone who is BPD has established a pattern of reactivity with other relationships from the past.  Their lives are strewn with the litter and debris of broken relationships and the courts listen to this as well.  Some attorneys specialize in representing spouses of mentally ill men and women.

Again, I am so sorry that you have had to go through this very sad marital experience.

If you have not done so already, get into a grief support group and process your feelings for as long as you feel that you need to do so.

Our prayers and blessings go out to you.


Milan & Kay